Blog #1: Friday The 13th, Stephen King and Marilyn Manson
Hey. I’m going to start my first “official” post off right with a review of the DUMBEST horror movie I have ever seen. Friday The 13th (2009) I actually saw by accident. I went to my local Rogers and picked up the DVD by accident thinking it was the original Friday The 13th (1980). So me and my friend watched it and it SUCKED! The first thing I hated was how not scary it was. I’m not normally scared by movies, but this I actually laughed at! I admit, there were two things I liked about. One was Jason Voorhees. Being one of the most popular slasher movie villains of all time, I felt obligated to like his character. The other was a character called Chewie played by Aaron Yoo. Give the man a medal for being in a horrible movie, but still acting well. Most critics actually said that Yoo was the only good thing about the movie! I also thought that the endless foray of bloody violence was some of the most unbelievably stupid. After the movie, I decided to see who was responsible for this horrid movie. One name just stuck out like a sore thumb. A name I knew I had seen before on other horrible movies. Michael Bay! The guy who defaced the legacy of the Transformers AND The Nightmare on Elm Street franchises! Sure, the Nightmare on Elm Street remake didn’t come until after Friday The 13th, but that doesn’t excuse him! I’ll tell you the truth, I think that movies comes closer to being a remake than the Friday the 13th movie! So, in conclusion, though I’ve bashed this movie horribly, I still found it to be a fun movie to watch, but don’t look for a best horror movie win for this movie. One and a half stars! You know what? I still have time, so I’ll do another movie review. How about the Day of The Dead remake? Yeah, that sounds good, right? Well, guess what! IT SUCKED! This is one of the few horror movies I’ve seen that I hated more than the Friday The 13th remake. But what specifically is wrong with this movie? What’s right with this movie, that’s the million dollar question! Well, the zombie part was not scary, except for the ending. For those of you who are weary of spoilers, be afraid, I’m going to spoil this movie for all it’s worth! Nick Cannon does a horrible job playing the corrupt cop, Salazar. He is pretty much just played up for lame comic relief. The ending, by the way, was just a zombie jumping in front of the camera. Lame, right? Also, remember Corporal Rhodes from the original Day of The Dead, one of the best horror movie villains of all time? Guess what, they just kill him off in the first half hour of this movie. THEY KILLED CORPORAL RHODES IN THE FIRST HALF HOUR!! Pretty lame, I must say. In conclsuion, it’s directed by the same dude who did the Dawn of The Dead remake and that, from what I’ve heard, was a fun zombie movie, but didn’t hold a candle to the original Dawn of The Dead. Apparently this guy has a supreme talent for screwing over the works of Mr. George A. Romero. Half a star.
You know what I love? Stephen King! His books are horrifying and amazing all at the same time. Now, I want to spurn some attention to him as I’m gonna do a Stephen King book review in every blog. Let’s start this with a great book, Misery. Misery tells the story of a writer who goes deep into the mountains of Colorado to write a book, but ends up crashing his car. He is taken in by the sweetest nurse in the land, Annie Wilkes. Annie takes him in and he is grateful. He later finds out that she is clinically insane. I love this book for it’s characters and it’s setting. The setting is what holds the story together. I think that every writer, actor and any other famous person’s worst nightmare is someone holding them captive solely based on their work. That is an understandable fear too because a lot of this sort of thing is completely possible. Five stars, if you haven’t checked it out, what are you doing reading this? GO OUT AND BUY THE BOOK!
You know what sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before? Video game movies. If you think that I’m going to do some sort of Uwe Boll marathon now, you’re right! I’m not doing them now, but trust me, it’s coming! Actually, just recently I heard that Warner Bros. Studios are making a live action, feature length film based on Bioshock. Horrible idea if I may say so myself. But, I’m going to give my thoughts on the actors and directors who I think could man this and make this a MEDIOCRE horror film. Why mediocre? It’s a video game movie, you really expect anything more? Director: Ridley Scott, hands down. That man could make anyone claustrophobic when he made Alien, why couldn’t he do it here? Now, I know that getting big name directors is a long shot, but I’m not a member of the studio. I don’t choose what they do. Did anyone suggest James Cameron? You dumb, dumb person. Cameron couldn’t make a decent movie since 1992. The actual directors have been announced, so I won’t guess anymore. The first director they hired to man this picture was Gore Verbinski who has gained fame for directing the Pirates of The Caribbean franchise. Good choice. They booted Verbinski off, and replaced him with Juan Carlos Fresnadillo who’s only directing credit is the box office failur, 28 Weeks Later. Not as good as Verbinski. Finally, we come to who should play the main character. Before seeing the fact that he was in a horrible video game movie already, I would have chosen Christian Slater. Alone in The Dark, anyone? Now I choose Christian Bale. Yeah, the guy who made Batman sound like he’s had strep throat. But, the real actor’s been announced for that too. SAM WORTHINGTON! Yeah, that tool from Avatar!
Finally, I just wanted to explain the concept of horror rock. Marilyn Manson is one example. His loud flamboyant style and his screaming vocals define his music on horror rock. Venom also counts as horror rock. Even their name classify them as horror rock. KRONOS!!! That’s scary, man!
Alright, well, I’m out of here for today. Next week, I’ll hit you with a review of Friday The 13th Part VI and VII. Also, I’m gonna talk about Stephen King, Silent Hill and Job Fr A Cowboy. Beware take care because the freaks come out at night!
Also, tell me. What’s your favorite horror movie?